Easy-does-it discipline

How to get your kids to listen and act — without saying a word
by Rebecca Steimle

"Stop kicking that seat, Johnny," said the mother to her 4-year-old son. They
were buckled into their seats getting ready to take off on a three-hour
flight from Dallas to San Francisco, but the mother already seemed frazzled.
"Stop it," the mother repeated.
The boy continued kicking.
"I said don't."
He stopped for a minute. Then he started again.
"I said don't do that. Stop it."
For the next three hours, the mother was powerless to change her son’s
behavior, says Larry Koenig, noted family therapist and discipline expert. It
was his seat being kicked.
“And he kicked it the whole flight.”
Many parents issue requests, statements, demands, pleas and threats to
their children, only to be consistently ignored.
Why? Koenig believes it’s because they don't have a structured system of
rules and discipline. Many parents are just doing what their parents did.
"There's a lot of talking without kids listening or doing what they’re
told,” says Koenig. “That leads to yelling and criticizing. But no one, kids
included, does well when they're criticized constantly."
Why do parents fail at getting kids to behave? The reasons are many, says
Koenig. A lot of parents simply don’t take charge or approach behavior problems systematically. They cave in on rules. They don’t pay attention
consistently and follow through on consequences.
Most of those parents would love to know what Koenig knows about getting
children to behave. The author of Smart Discipline: Fast, Lasting Solutions
for Your Peace of Mind and Your Child's Self-Esteem, he'll share that secret
with Milwaukee parents and educators October 23 in a metroparent-sponsored
Smart Discipline seminar at Marquette University. It’s one of more than 100
American cities he’ll visit this school year alone.
What is Koenig's secret to getting kids to behave?
It’s a system — and it's simple.

Everyone gets it eventually

It all started 20 years ago when Koenig, a father of five, decided to find a
way to help his kids behave, while at the same time increasing their belief
in their own abilities.
The system he and his wife Nydia spent several years devising worked
almost immediately for four of his kids. In what Koenig says can be a typical
scenario, it took the fifth child a bit longer to get on board.
"She told us she didn't care about the consequences," says Koenig. "But
after about two weeks, she realized she didn't want to keep losing the things
she loved."
Today, tens of thousands of parents and teachers across the nation attest
to the results of Smart Discipline, even with kids whose parents thought
nothing would work. Implement this system — it only takes a couple of hours
— and you'll see why, says Koenig.
Within a few days, your kids will do what you ask when you ask them, stop
fighting, do their homework on time and go to bed when they're supposed to —
and you may never have to repeat yourself.

Putting Smart Discipline to the test

Music to any parent's ears, I thought as I read Koenig's book in preparation
for writing an article on his discipline system. But would the Smart
Discipline system be the answer to my prayers?
My husband and I have three children, ages 12, 10 and 5. They’re good
kids, without any serious behavior problems.
But they don't always do what we ask right away. They have attitudes.
They fight. They find endless reasons not to go to bed.
Our discipline methods worked — but not consistently. Our kids listened
— sometimes. Taking away privileges had the desired effect — for a while.
More than anything, I wanted to stop repeating myself and raising my
voice to get their attention.
We could certainly use a simple system in which the rules really do rule
— but we didn’t want a household where rules are all that matter. We liked
the fact that the Smart Discipline system helps you focus as much on what
they’re doing right as it does changing unwanted behavior.
With Smart Discipline, parents work to instill positive beliefs in their
children about their ability to do the right thing. That’s good for their
self-confidence, and kids with high self-esteem consistently are happier,
better behaved and more well mannered than other kids.
“When you can inspire both cooperation and love at the same time, you
have made it as a parent," says Koenig.
We decided to try Smart Discipline. Would it work? Only time would tell.

Up and running in two hours

Smart Discipline is an easy system. With just a few steps, we were able put
it in place in our home in only two hours.
First, says Koenig, parents need to identify the misbehaviors they most
want to stop.
What bugs you? Whining? Talking back? Ignoring homework? Ignoring you?
Once you've identified the behaviors you most want to control, says
Koenig, set rules for each child. Some rules may apply to all your children,
like our general rules: “Be respectful in words and actions,” and “Do what
you’re asked right away.” Others may apply to one specific child. “No
whining” is a rule our 5-year-old needs, while “Homework must be done by 8
p.m.” applies to our 12- and 10-year-olds.
"Putting rules in writing puts Mom and Dad and the kids — everyone — on
the same page," says Koenig. "There's no room for questions."
Even if you already have rules, look them over and refine them. Make sure
they're few, simple and age-appropriate. Put them in writing (we typed ours
for an "official" look), and post them centrally. The fridge is a good place.
Most important, commit to the fact that your family's rules are
non-negotiable.
The Smart Discipline system then takes parents to the consequences
portion of the plan. Parents determine five privileges they feel each child
values most — playing with friends, having treats, listening to music — and w
ould least like to lose. Those go on the chart, too.
Rule breaking is noted as it happens, with no ifs, ands or buts.
Privileges are at stake.
With charts in hand, we gathered the troops to explain the Smart
Discipline system.
We were pleasantly surprised when they accepted it readily, with just a
few questions. The meeting took five minutes.

Attention makes system effective

It takes reading Smart Discipline or attending the seminar to truly
understand all the details of Koenig's program — and it's those details that
give the program its muscle. What makes a good discipline program successful
is paying attention, being consistent and following through.
In short, it's a bit of a tough love approach that makes Smart Discipline
so smart.
"Don’t give warnings and second chances," Koenig advises. "Many parents
believe they're being kind and loving by letting kids escape consequences.
It's much more difficult later if the child gets out of control because he
thinks he can wriggle out of consequences."
But — and this is important — don't stop at rules and consequences.
Praise your children for doing well, noting specific good behaviors — “I
noticed how quickly you got to your homework today. That shows me you’re very
responsible.” Or “That was great how you got in bed on time last night. Good
job being organized.”
Positive reinforcement is essential. And providing that praise is easy to
do when kids do well.

Has it worked for us?

It's been blessedly quieter in our house lately.
With Smart Discipline, I don't repeat myself. If a rule is broken, I
simply walk to the chart on the refrigerator, put an X in the appropriate box
and let the offending child know which rule he broke. He may not like it, but
he gets an X anyway and accepts it.
That's the great thing about a discipline plan: It's systematic, a word
defined by Webster's as "methodical, marked by thoroughness and regularity."
There's much less negative emotion involved and much more positive, as
when I find myself saying things like, "Please come over here now and put
these toys away," followed by "Thank you for doing what you were told right
away." Pleasant exchanges like that feel good for all of us.
So do the results. Our children are listening when we talk, and doing
what they're asked within seconds. They know privileges really do hang in the
balance.
Best of all, they're thinking before they act or speak and controlling
themselves. While they've each gotten a few Xs for breaking rules, they’re in
the “free” boxes — those that tell them they’re getting close to losing
privileges. None of the three has even come close to getting Xs in the boxes
that hold their cherished privileges.
I've always believed that a few good rules make kids happier. I'm now
seeing, in a whole new light, why this is true. Rules followed can help a
family “clean house” of a lot of negative stuff that gets in the way of
bringing out the best in kids.
"It's true about anyone, adults or kids," Koenig says. "If you feel good
about life, you just act better."

Go ahead — reward them

But don’t throw out the charts once your children have achieved
self-discipline.
"This works so well, sometimes parents stop doing it because they no
longer have a need," says Koenig. "That's perfectly fine, but if you have
trouble again, get the charts back out."
And, go ahead — reward your kids for good behavior.
"Don’t set them up as bribes, where kids get rewards for being good,”
says Koenig. “That works for a while, but it will backfire. Instead, be
spontaneous and tell your children that you are going to treat them to
something special because they've been so good lately.
"This is a loving and wonderful thing to do as a parent."
We’ll reward our children with time spent together — and be happy to do
it. For us as parents, we’ve already received our reward: our rules are
followed, our lives are more peaceful, our children are achieving their
goals, and everyone is happier.

Rebecca Steimle is the senior editor for Metroparent magazine, a regional
parenting publication in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.