How to NOT Raise a Quitter

A father I spoke with recently was totally disgusted with his daughter. She had begged him to sign her up for a very expensive summer camp. Now, six days into the camp, she wanted to quit because she “didn’t like it.”

As a parent, you most likely have faced this same situation. Your child comes home totally enamored with the idea of taking up music, martial arts, acting, singing, gymnastics or some form of sports. She can’t stop talking about it, and her enthusiasm for the idea gushes out of her.

Being the good parent that you are, you ask the questions every good parent asks. “Are you sure this is what you want? What about your homework and chores? Will it interfere? And how about sticking with it? Before I sign you up, I want to make sure you aren’t going to quit like you did the last time.” And finally, you warn, “I’m not going to nag or even remind you to practice. You are going to have to do that all on your own.”

Upon getting all of the proper assurances, you say, “Okay. Sounds good. Let’s go for it!” You then do whatever it takes to work it out financially while rationalizing that this is going to be absolutely wonderful for your child. Of course, you also spend a good deal of time running around town making all of the arrangements and hunting down the appropriate paraphernalia that your child has convinced you is minimally required.

You begin envisioning a time when your child will master the activity and perform to thunderous applause. Actually, the whole thing is starting to appeal to you and you think it’s really rather a grand idea.

In the back of your mind, you might also hear a nagging little voice, one that warns you this is all going to go for naught.

Sometimes, all does indeed go well. Your child sticks with it, masters the learning curve and “does you proud!” This is wonderful and you get to feel like a “good parent” — an elusive feeling in these trying times of child rearing.

Other times, after a few weeks of lessons, your child wants to throw in the proverbial towel. This is when you want to pull your hair out! You lament, “Hey, wait a minute! I thought you ‘just had to do this.’ What about all those promises you made to stick with it? What about all the money I had to spend? I don’t think you’ve given this enough of a chance. Why don’t you stick with it for another month? Then we’ll see.”

Every parent knows that at this point, the chances of success are as good as lightning striking the family cat. So, you shake your head and swear once again not to be taken in by the next wave of enthusiastic interest your child brings home.

Formidable obstacle — or just a learning curve?
Let’s examine for a minute what is going on in this process. Most likely what has happened is that your child has come up against a very formidable obstacle that current thinking refers to as the “learning curve.” Many say it’s no big deal. Just learn what you need to do, practice a while and “voila!” — you’ve mastered the skill. Our parents’ generations oversimplified the process, too, reducing the learning process to “practice makes perfect.”

What few parents explain to their children is that learning a new skill is fraught with difficulties. When you are in the learning process, there are times you will likely feel embarrassed, stupid and inept.

It is also likely that someone around you will have an easy time of it, while you struggle mightily to master the most rudimentary of tasks. To make matters worse, others may laugh at you — even the teacher may respond to your struggles with disdain.

These feelings and experiences, in turn, lead most to the belief that, “I don’t have what it takes to master this skill.” Between this and the pain of it all, most quit. Only a few stick with it long enough to get past the grind and into the joy of accomplishment.

The next time your child gets enthusiastic about learning something new, be one of the few parents to describe this painful, it-may not-be-easy process. Don’t stop there though. Encourage your child to talk about the good and the bad. Ask questions like, “What difficult feelings did you have today? Did you feel embarrassed? Inept? Maybe even stupid? Are you able to talk with your teacher or coach about your questions and difficulties?”

Do this and two great things will happen. Your child will likely master many more learning curves. And you will teach a very great lesson: Anything worth doing is worthy doing badly until you learn to do it well.

Family therapist and author Dr. Larry Koenig is the father of five grown children and lives with his wife in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Contact Dr. Koenig at larry@smartdiscipline.com.