Smart Discipline: One year later

Dr. Larry Koenig’s popular discipline system got the kids
to listen and behave — at first.
But would it last in the long run?

by Rebecca Steimle

Your kids will stop quarreling, whining, sassing and eye-rolling.
You will no longer raise your voice, nag or want to scream.
The promise of the Smart Discipline system is every parent’s dream, I thought when I first heard about it more than a year ago.
Not only did I hear about it, I was about to read the book that details it, implement the system with my children, and write an article for metroparent about the experience. We were bringing psychologist Larry Koenig, author of Smart Discipline: Fast, Lasting Solutions for Your Peace of Mind and Your Child’s Self-Esteem to Milwaukee to share his “secret” for getting kids to behave.
“Most parents make up the rules as they go,” Koenig told me over the phone. “We wait for them to misbehave, then say they’re grounded for a month, then we don’t stick with it. Kids find out we don’t mean what we say.”
Koenig says it’s important to praise kids when they do something right, yet not go on and on about how they did something bad.
It all made sense to me, and after several weeks of using the system, I wrote the article last October telling parents: Smart Discipline works!
A few weeks later, as I introduced Dr. Koenig to 500 eager parents at a sold-out presentation, I whole-heartedly applauded this common-sense father of five and the program’s success in my own home.
That was a year ago. And while we were enjoying the benefits of Smart Discipline and meant to continue it, I had no way of knowing whether my husband and I would keep it going in the long run.
Would the success we were having cause us to stay with it? Or would the chart-keeping and X-giving be more trouble than they were worth?
Only time would tell.

Beginners’ luck?
Long before I’d ever heard of Smart Discipline, my husband and I had established rules for our three children, now ages 6, 11 and 13. When they broke them, privileges were removed. “But,” I wrote last year, “they don’t always do what we ask right away.”
We were like many parents. Our kids listened — sometimes. Taking away privileges had the desired effect — for a while.
Most of all, I wanted to stop repeating myself. I wanted a simple system in which the rules really do rule and kids realize they can make good choices.
An organized and logical system in which the parents set down rules in writing, put an X on a chart when they’re broken, and remove a child’s privileges as necessary, my husband and I would soon discover that “no ifs, ands or buts” was the key to this simple and successful system.
On a scale of one to 10 — one being very easy to implement — Smart Discipline was about a two. It took me just two hours to identify the misbehaviors I most wanted each child to stop, type up a handful of simple rules for each child, and determine five privileges each child valued most.
Some rules applied to all three kids, like “Be respectful in words and actions,” and “Do what you’re asked right away.” Others applied to one specific child. “Listen,” and “No whining” are rules our youngest needed. “Do your homework before 8 p.m.” applied to our two oldest.
The chart also provided space to jot down what each child was doing right, whether getting ready on time in the morning or being thoughtful toward a family member. The privileges they stood to lose included playing with friends, having treats, listening to music.
Along with the list of rules, my husband and I also came up with several qualities we wanted each child to have, like being reliable, respectful and self-motivated. His behavior system would enhance these traits, Koenig stated in his book.
With rules and charts in hand, we gathered the troops to explain the new system. This marked our first pleasant surprise with Smart Discipline: They accepted it readily, with a few questions.
A few days into the system, we found out what we already knew when it comes to raising kids: Consistency, follow-through and positive reinforcement work.
By the time Dr. Koenig got to Milwaukee several weeks later, we were off to a great start with Smart Discipline.

Simple and sensible still rule
It’s been a year, and we haven’t missed a week.
With 52 weeks’ experience in the Smart Discipline trenches, I repeat: Smart Discipline works because it makes sense. It puts everyone on the same page, gives parents a way to be consistent, and makes kids responsible for their own behavior.
But even the greatest results wouldn’t matter without the other reason it works: Smart Discipline is really easy.
Instead of talk, talk, talk, we walk — a few feet to their charts. It takes a couple of seconds to jot an X, and we add a word or two to keep track of the offense; that helps us see what behaviors need work.
We still remind them of their rules — but not as much. They still break them — they’re not perfect — but not as often. Most of all, I don’t hear myself reminding or raising my voice as much, and that’s what I wanted most.
Sometimes the kids complain when they get an X. But often, they simply accept it because they know the deal. Sometimes they call the charts “stupid,” and that’s fine. We all know the stupid charts aren’t going anywhere.
When our kids have lost privileges, we’ve stuck with it, and that hasn’t always been easy. One child had to miss a long-awaited event due to loss of privilege. After an incredible amount of begging forgiveness and promises to behave, we considered giving in. But thoughts of sending the message that we didn’t mean what we said, and what that might mean when that child considered more serious misdeeds in the future, kept us on track.
Ultimately, we’re teaching our children to be responsible for their own actions in the larger world.
What more could a parent want than being able to say, “My child makes good choices.”

Why Smart Discipline works for us

• It’s easy. Like most parents, I’m a very busy person. The thought of keeping weekly charts did not turn me on, but I’m too busy to deal with behavioral chaos. Smart Discipline is much less work than issuing endless commands and punishments and keeping track of who’s lost what privileges. The greatest amount of work comes at the end of the week when you “wash the slate clean” (two seconds) and rewrite the five privileges (about a minute).
• The wipe-off charts. Get them! We started Smart Discipline with charts I painstakingly created on the computer, then photocopied. It was such a hassle that I probably would not have continued the system had I continued with paper charts. (Order them online at smartdiscipline.com or get them at the workshop Oct. 8).
• It’s organized. I use a Franklin Planner, I make to-do lists, I write my grocery list in the order of the food aisles. I like organization. Putting things in writing and having a system where everyone knows what to expect is right up my alley.
• It’s all there in black and white. If a privilege is lost, it’s lost — it’s on the chart. How long is a given — until the last day of the current chart.
• It creates responsible kids. We all enjoy good behavior today, and our kids are becoming more responsible in the long run.
• What we’ve learned in a year
• Don’t mess with the system. Don’t give warnings and second chances. “Many parents believe they’re being kind and loving by letting kids escape consequences,” Koenig says. “It’s much more difficult later if the child gets out of control because he thinks he can wriggle out of consequences.”
• Give that X without hesitation, and your kids will soon start to listen the first time. If “Do what you’re asked as soon as you’re asked” is a rule (and I highly recommend that one), you won’t have to repeat yourself.
• Be positive. Don’t let this be only about checking off what your kids are doing wrong. Praise them for good behavior. Be specific: “I noticed how you shared with your sister,” or “Thanks for coming when I called.” Then be spontaneous and do something special together.
• Behavior gets even better as the week goes on. Kids get especially well behaved as they approach the privilege boxes.
• Take the charts with you. We take them with us on vacation. They work; why wouldn’t we use them everywhere?
• You can commmunicate without words. Let your kids know you’re paying attention even when you’re out of the house and not near the charts. Crossing your fingers in an X is an easy way to communicate its bestowal without saying a word.
• Smart Discipline works with teens, too. A year ago, our oldest was 12. Now he’s a teenager. As he tests new ground, he knows the “old” system of rules and consequences is still in place, and it still works. (Lose social privileges? Heaven forbid!)