Kids Out of Control

December 20, 2004 Vol. 62 No. 25
By: Thomas Fields-Meyer Shia Kapos in Westchester;Kevin Brass in
Austin and Baton Rouge;Rose Ellen O'Connor in Washington D.C.;Michelle
York in New York City;Kristin Harmel in Orlando
Edition: Category:
Page: 114 Size: 1797 Column: Section: FAMILY
Subject: CHILDREN ; FAMILY Name:

Their bad behavior disrupts nap time, and their kicking, screaming
exploits are chronicled on prime time. But experts say it's grown-ups
who are to blame for kids out of control

Paula Peterson lives in fear--of her own kids. When 6-year-old Abby
doesn't get a toy during shopping runs at the local Target store, she
screeches, stomps and flails until she gets her way, and she usually
does. "She'll have a full-blown, screaming, blowout tantrum," explains
Paula, 39, of Westchester, Ill., who will do anything to avoid a scene.
And when younger brother Joey, 4, doesn't feel like getting dressed in
the morning, he shouts, bangs his feet and swings his arms so wildly
that he has sometimes hit his mother. "I don't hold him down," says
Paula, "but it's a fight to get his clothes on."

Not just sometimes. This is life in the Peterson household every single
day. And while that behavior might lead some parents to crack down, the
Petersons just give in. "It's easier than dealing with the tantrum,"
says the exasperated Paula, an advertising executive for a Chicago radio
station. The evidence is in their kids' bedrooms, where Joey maintains a
collection of more than 50 Thomas the Tank Engine train cars and Abby's
shelves are overflowing with two dozen Barbies and scores of other
dolls. Paula and husband Mike, 41, a dairy trader, once worried that
their kids' sometimes violent tempers signaled a more serious problem
like attention deficit disorder, but a doctor rejected that theory. "I
was trying to come up with all these excuses," says Paula. "They just
don't like to be told what to do."

Nor did Barbara Weiss's daughter Kellsie. When she was 4, Kellsie, now
8, would throw dramatic tantrums, hurling herself down, literally
kicking and screaming, when things didn't go her way. "At dinner time if
I didn't make her favorite foods, she would throw a fit, and I would fix
it," says Weiss, 41, a medical transcriptionist from Chapel Hill, N.C.
"If I made oatmeal and it was lumpy, she would scream about 'how could I
possibly do that to her?', and I would try to fix it. At the store, if
she didn't get something she wanted, she'd pitch a fit--but that hardly
ever happened because we would buy her things anyhow."

From toddlers who order their parents around like servants to teens who
become physically abusive, more and more kids are turning households on
their head, running the show and leaving Mom and Dad to keep up. Though
figures are hard to come by, experts say they are seeing more kids
behaving badly--and more extreme examples of it--than ever before, and
parents are looking for answers. Dr. Phil McGraw's recent special Family
First, devoted to child-rearing horror stories, pulled in more than 13
million viewers. There has been an explosion in manuals devoted to
guiding parents through disciplinary dilemmas. And with the holiday
season approaching, families and the people who help them dread the
coming toy-fueled meltdowns (see box). "Behavior is getting worse
because parents are softies," says Larry Koenig, a Baton Rouge family
therapist and author of a book on discipline. "They've given up on being
authoritative." Therapists blame not the kids but their parents, who,
they say, are increasingly reluctant or unable to set limits. "We got
rid of spanking," Koenig says. "But we haven't done a very good job of
educating people about what to do instead."

Experts cite several factors, including increased stress for parents in
a world where both often work; kids' constant exposure to more and more
must-have toys, games--and sugary substances--on TV; and a reluctance
among modern moms and dads to do things the way their stricter parents
did. Bonnie Zucker, a psychologist at the National Center, a psychiatric
treatment group in Washington, D.C., says too many parents are like
those of one of her patients, a 10-year-old whose mother allows him to
make all decisions for himself. "She will engage in a discussion with
him, and then he will decide what to do and when to do it," says Zucker.
"He doesn't want to go to school, so he doesn't go. I've had parents who
have no clue about establishing proper boundaries."

Yet most agree that's exactly what children want. "When parents don't
set limits, children don't get a sense of security," says Dr. Alan
Gober, a highly respected Silver Spring, Md., pediatrician. "They don't
know the boundaries, so they're constantly stretching limits further and
further." What seems inconsequential--giving in to a toddler's demands
to stay up late, for instance--can snowball into a serious issue,
experts say. Jonathan Slater, a New York City child psychiatrist, says
he sees many cases like his teenage patient who trashed his bedroom.
"The parent justified it, saying, 'Well, he has trouble controlling his
temper,'" says Slater. "That's when you say, 'You better learn to
control it.'"

Dana and Juan Simoneaux of Baton Rouge tried to control their kids but
didn't know how. After they divorced in 2001, when sons Holden and
Elijah were 9 and 2, Holden began lashing out at his mother, calling her
"freak" and "retard" and shouting, "I hate you!" It's nothing new for
kids to express that kind of anger during a divorce, but psychologists
say that instead of calming kids down, too many divorcing parents do
what the Simoneauxes did and get into a power struggle with the kids
that spirals out of control. During one confrontation, Holden physically
lashed out at Dana, now 37 and a preschool teacher. Her stress over the
situation led to chest pains and intestinal problems. She took the knob
off his bedroom door so he couldn't lock it, hid his video games and
tried time outs. When that didn't help, she too got physical, resorting
to the method she had seen used when she was young: a whack with a
wooden spoon. "I didn't want to hit Holden," says Dana, who now regrets
her actions, "but there has to be some respect."

Ultimately, Dana sought help from a therapist, Koenig, who helped her
find better ways to discipline. His simple method--a chart displayed on
the fridge that keeps track of instances of unacceptable behavior, with
a limit that results in a loss of privileges like TV and computer
time--helped both parents get through to Holden. "I don't want Holden to
just be a well-behaved child," says marketing manager Juan, 42, "I want
him to feel he has control and choices."

Doris Ann Newton and her husband, Bart Willis, came up with another
novel solution when son Will, now 12, and daughter Leila, 9, slipped
into a pattern of back talk and obstinacy that escalated into shouting
matches, threats and the occasional spanking. "You could set Will off
like that," says Bart, 38, snapping his fingers.

Their answer: Newton and the kids enrolled at a local karate dojo, where
the three have worked out side by side twice a week for two years. In
the process of learning kicks and chops, the Austin, Texas, family has
found a new way of communicating. Early on, the teacher made it clear to
Newton, 48, that she was "not the mom here." The result has been--for a
brief time each week--a break from the usual roles. "For an hour Mom
can't yell at me," says Will. Nor Will at her. The harmony has spilled
over to their home. The kids, says Willis, a tattoo artist, "are in
better control of themselves." And Newton, who works in catering, admits
she is too: "It has shown me a more patient way to step back and observe
the situation instead of getting inflamed about it."

There are some, like the Petersons, who hope their kids will simply grow
out of their troubles. Paula Peterson believes the same spark that sets
off the kicking and screaming may also give Abby and Joey what they need
to excel in a culture that rewards outspokenness and confidence. "My
friends have kids who are bumps on logs," she says, adding proudly, "My
kids have personality, but they're also strong-willed and say what they
want. And I'll take that."

On the other hand, Barbara Weiss--the oatmeal do-over mom--finally
sought help from Pittsboro, N.C., therapist Katharine Leslie, who taught
her to put her foot down with the kids. "We have tried desperately hard
to change things," says Weiss. "So I don't think I'm going to have an ax
murderer on my hands. But if you had asked me when Kellsie was 4 my
answer [might] have been different." Now Kellsie is a well-adjusted
second grader and sister Jenna, 5, who once threatened to follow in her
sister's footstomps, is doing well too. Says Leslie: "It's never too
late to make changes, as long as the parents are willing to do the hard
work."

By Thomas Fields-Meyer. Shia Kapos in Westchester, Kevin Brass in Austin
and Baton Rouge, Rose Ellen O'Connor in Washington, D.C., Michelle York
in New York City and Kristin Harmel in Orlando

[BOX]

Handling the Holidays

With the toy-and-treat bonanza approaching, even the most well-behaved
kids can morph into monsters. But a few strategies--and choice
words--can help parents survive the December deluge

SHOPPING MELTDOWNS

"Keep your temper, be firm, and try to remove them from the situation
until they calm down," says Susan Linn, a psychiatry instructor at
Harvard Medical School.

HOLIDAY SWEETS

"Young children don't choose well, so parents still need to be in charge
of what they eat," says Katharine Leslie, a Pittsboro, N.C., family-life
educator. "But if you haven't taught them this all year round, this
isn't the time to start."

GIFT BACK TALK

Warn kids ahead of time, "You're not going to get everything you want,
but you'll be pleased with what you do get." If your child still gives
you a hard time, say, "This is where you say, 'Thank you, Mommy. I'm
thrilled with what I got, but I'm disappointed I didn't get this one
thing,'" says Leslie.

DISAPPOINTED KIDS

"Remember that it's okay for children to want things they don't have,"
says Linn. "It's not going to ruin their lives. It's okay to set
limits."

[PULLQUOTE]

"When parents don't set limits, children don't get a sense of security.
They don't know the boundaries, so they're constantly stretching limits
further and further"

THREE COLOR PHOTOS: Photographs by MICHELLE LITVINHAIR & MAKEUP:
HARPER/FORD MANAGEMENT
THE PETERSONS "They're just very willful, strong-personality children,"
Paula Peterson says of Abby and Joey (at home).

COLOR PHOTO
"How can I say no to my kids when I indulge myself?" Paula Peterson says
of shopping with daughter Abby (on a November shopping trip).

COLOR PHOTO: Photograph by MATTHEW MAHONHAIR & MAKEUP: LUCY SANTAMASINO
THE NEWTON-WILLISES"It's a bonding thing for us," Doris Ann Newton says
of karate class with Leila and Will.

(c) Time Inc.